A reader writes:
Do I need to apologize to my managers for being a less-than-stellar employee? I’m a contract employee on my second year of employment with an organization that hires its employees on one-year contracts. During my first year, my performance was good — not outstanding, but at least good enough to have my contract renewed. Good enough performance aside, I know my manager found me difficult to manage (they told me so, in so many words), but in keeping with the organization’s strong focus on professional development, we outlined some areas for me to improve and I took those seriously and made a lot of changes that (I think, at least) helped me align more closely with expectations. During my second year, I dealt with a cascade of health issues: a serious illness, a surprise surgery, and two miscarriages, plus a recurrence of some life-long mental health challenges; all of this culminated in my needing to go on FMLA leave to receive mental health treatment. I also received a mid-life diagnosis of ADHD. For obvious reasons, my performance crashed during all of this, which I acknowledged to my managers (using scripts you suggest). Once I came back from medical leave, I dove into work with renewed focus and energy, but it became clear that my performance wasn’t measuring up; my manager put me on a PIP and ultimately decided to let me go. As I’ve been reflecting on all of this — and reflecting on my performance in this job and previous jobs in light of the ADHD diagnosis — I’m recognizing just how difficult I’ve been for my managers over the last two years of employment. I always want to be a superstar employee — or, failing that, to at least be a diligent, reliable, and thoughtful employee who is able to contribute to my team. In hindsight, however, I suspect that I haven’t even managed that: instead, I get the sense that I’ve been a liability rather than an asset. It’s pretty clear to me that the difficulties of managing undiagnosed ADHD really contributed to the challenges my managers have had with me over the last two years; the Venn diagrams of “ADHD symptoms” and “my performance issues” overlap pretty significantly. But even so: whatever the cause, the outcome was that I was a pretty poor employee. Is there ever a situation where an employee should apologize to a manager for being a burden in this way? I have another several months before the end of my contract, and I keep thinking I ought to apologize to my manager and acknowledge I’m not blind to how difficult I’ve been. The urge is pretty overwhelming; I hate knowing that my manager probably has a poor opinion of me. But I’m aware this urge comes from the emotional part of my brain, the part that hates being criticized and panics when people are unhappy with me. The rational part of my brain points out that apologizing might make me feel better but won’t actually accomplish anything. As I wrap up my time with this organization, I want to behave as professionally and gracefully as possible. In that context, is there a place for an apology? Or should I just focus on wrapping up my projects and completing the work that needs to get done? My instinct is that apologizing in this way is an emotional overreaction, but — perhaps because the past two years have done a number on my self-esteem — I’m not sure I trust my instincts, so I’d appreciate your advice.I think there’s a difference between acknowledging the issues and apologizing for them. You don’t need to apologize for having mental or physical health issues. You don’t even need to privately feel apologetic. You are a human who had some very normal and understandable human health stuff happen. But I understand the desire to acknowledge to your manager that you know this has been challenging for them and your team. That kind of acknowledgement can feel like a form of reclaiming competence — “I see this, I’m not oblivious, and I realize that it’s had an impact.” There’s an underlying “I wish it had been different,” but it’s not an apology. I think you can approach it that way, and there might be value to you on your own in saying it (you clearly want to!) and very likely value to the relationship too. I’d frame it this way: “Obviously I’ve had a rough time this past year, and I know that showed up at work in ways I didn’t want it to, despite my best attempts to keep it from affecting things here. I wish it had gone differently, but I really appreciate the support and patience you’ve given me, as well as your candor when it was clear something needed to change.” You could even add, “I’m leaving with a clearer idea of how to navigate some of these challenges going forward, and I’ve appreciated your role in helping me through that.” So it’s “I see this” and “I appreciate how you handled it,” but it’s not “I’m sorry.”
